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That we meet in our middle way,
on our way back down to earth.

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Pamela 11071995

I felt that night, on the stage, incredibly close to everything in the universe, but also extremely alone. I wondered, for the first time in my life, if life was worth all the work it took to live. What exactly made it worth it? What’s so horrible about being dead forever, and not feeling anything, and not even dreaming? What’s so great about feeling and dreaming?

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©Glamouresque.
Sunday, August 17, 2008

HELLO.

this is so crappy. i was accused of NOT studying AT ALL during the cas. like how fucking wrong is that? doing badly for exams IS NOT EQUAL TO not studying at all. like, you people think it is not bad enough that all my mugging has gone down the drain, and you just keep rubbing it in. shut up, will you? you are nothing great either, if you think you did better than me when you were my age, PROVE IT. so, shut your fucking big mouth up.

i feel hopeless in this family. WAIT. what the hell is a family? i forgot. okay. how about, i feel hopeless in this home then. oh god. HOME - a place where you have got a strong sense of belonging. where the fuck is that place? oh no. i am out of vocabulary, to describe, how hopeless is feel in this.. this.. PLACE. yes, just use this simple 5-lettered word. done. happy.. is something, that i think i've never felt before. perhaps, i had. but that has got to be long ago, burried in my head, and has already decomposed, and doesn't exist anymore. after friday, i finally understood how hard it was to make someone happy, or even be happy yourself. actually, what is so great about that feeling? it is just feeling fortunate, contented. can it last? no. will it go away? yes. is it like, something you can't live without? no. is it a kind of feeling that you can remember, for long? nah, not really. is it something that i would like to know how it feels like? sadly, yes. argh. with all the stress and scolding my mood's dampen. i need alot of stuffs now. but.. you'll see..

#1; i need to get out of this house, ASAP.
#2; i need someone to let me pour everything in my mind to hers/his.
#3; i need to talk to someone i love/trust/cherish fact-to-face now.
#4; i need a shoulder to ly on.
#5; i need a chest to ly on, to ly, to sleep.
#6; i need an ear to listen to me.
#7; i need a hand to hold.
#8; i need a mouth to respond to whatever i say.
#9; i need an arm to swing.
#10; i need a pair of lips, to ___.
#11; i need to find someone that can fulfill my #2- 10.

but, who the hell can this damn person be? i got no idea. but ya, who? anyone, sms me if you know who, or if you're the one, tell me. cos i doubt, that this person exist. why? no one in my life can fulfill those now. okay. so who are YOU?! i don't know. perhaps, #10 is the one holding you all back. oh well. what to do? i have this one person in my mind now, but on second thoughts, i think you won't even be seeing this post. sometimes, things just don't turn out the way it should be, but having someone that is willing to care about you helps a little. or at least having someone that you can always turn to when you're feeling down could help a whole lot. but.. i don't think i've met that someone, yet. if i have, prove to me that i've.

okay. i just wasted your time talking about someone i HOPE exists. oh god. i hate the word "HOPE". this word is like fucking wrong. wrong in a sense that, people are hoping on things. hope. a word that sounds so insecure, and so, hopeless.

you are probably enjoying your sleep or life, and not being bothered about what the hell is happening to my life. fine, let it be. sometimes, i really hate you, for not being here when i need you, i can't really blame you, entirely. i don't even see how i can contact you now. so, i guess if i were to meet with an accident now, you would be the last person to know. yes, i think that's about the meaning.

so, in search of someone that i can entirely indulge myself into.

the only perosn that can fulfill my #2- 10.
i wish it is you, i hope it is you, i want it to be you, but, do you know who you are?

i'm feeling so lost.

bye.